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The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships, by Robert Feldman
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In The Liar in Your Life, psychology professor Robert Feldman, one of the world's leading authorities on deception, draws on his immense body of knowledge to give fresh insights into how and why we lie, how our culture has become increasingly tolerant of deception, the cost it exacts on us, and what to do about it. His work is at once surprising and sobering, full of corrections for common myths and explanations of pervasive oversimplifications.
Feldman examines marital infidelity, little white lies, career-driven resumé lies, and how we teach children to lie. Along the way, he reveals-despite our beliefs to the contrary- how it is nearly impossible to spot a liar (studies have shown no relationship between nervousness, lack of eye contact, or a trembling voice, and acts of deception). He also provides startling evidence of just how integral lying is to our culture; indeed, his research shows that two people, meeting for the first time, will lie to each other an average of three times in the first ten minutes of a conversation.
Feldman uses this discussion of deception to explore ways we can cope with infidelity, betrayal, and mistrust, in our friends and family. He also describes the lies we tell ourselves: Sometimes, the liar in your life is the person you see in the mirror. With incisive clarity and wry wit, Feldman has written a truthful book for anyone who whose life has been touched by deception.
- Sales Rank: #1004655 in Books
- Brand: Twelve
- Published on: 2009-08-03
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.25" h x 1.00" w x 6.25" l, 1.10 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 304 pages
- Great product!
Review
"Bob Walter adds his own pizzazz in his narration. With an approach that is arresting but not alarming, you can feel the drama as he delivers examples of lies that occur in personal, government, media, and business arenas. His vocal centeredness helps him engage with the book's exposé approach and make listeners pay attention without making them feel manipulated."―AudioFile
About the Author
A Fellow of both the American Psychological Association and Association for Psychological Science, Robert Feldman's research has examined lying and everyday deception for over 25 years. His studies have been supported by grants from the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute on Disabilities and Rehabilitation Research.
From AudioFile
A psychology professor with a knack for storytelling shows how pervasive lying is and what to do about it. An authority on deception, he draws on the latest research and expert opinion and applies enough of his intellectual pizzazz to make this massive body of knowledge come across as enjoyable and accessible. Bob Walter adds his own pizzazz in his narration. With an approach that is arresting but not alarming, you can feel the drama as he delivers examples of lies that occur in personal, government, media, and business arenas. His vocal centeredness helps him engage with the book's exposé approach and make listeners pay attention without making them feel manipulated. T.W. Winner of AudioFile Earphones Award © AudioFile 2009, Portland, Maine
Most helpful customer reviews
20 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Fascinating portrait of deception
By Craig Clarke
"Deception forms a common part of ordinary social interactions.... If we didn't lie, we would be considered socially awkward, not to mention something of a jerk." -- from The Liar in Your Life
You're a liar. And you're lied to every day. Think you're not? Count the number of times someone answers "Fine" to your "How are you?" when they're obviously bothered by something. Even your "How are you?" is a lie, because how often do you really want to hear about an acquaintance's personal problems? And how many times have you said, "What a beautiful baby" when you really believe the child looks just like its ugly parents?
Why do we lie so much? Why are lies like, "That dress looks great on you" and "The dinner was delicious" considered vital for social interaction when, if we knew the person was lying to us, we would likely be disturbed -- and yet, according to the research of author Richard Feldman, just as likely to increase the number of our lies to that person?
In The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships (which is being marketed as self-help when it's really a wonderful psychological portrait of deception), Feldman shows that even trained lie detectors like police officers are statistically only as good as the average person at detecting a lie: accurate less than half the time (this is worse than random guessing). He also describes the liar's advantage and the truth bias, and offers tips on encouraging truth and how to find the balance between "radical honesty" and blatant deception.
Feldman shows how the legend about George Washington and the cherry tree is a made-up story that we ironically use to keep children honest. And there is a politeness / honesty paradox. We teach children to always be honest, but then we want them to be polite, a practice that often involves outright lying if not merely the omission of the truth.
Surprisingly, Feldman's take on lying is not entirely negative. He goes on in The Liar in Your Life about how, in our society, knowing how (and more importantly, when) to lie is a sign of proper social development. There is even evidence that deception is a survival instinct. Natural selection favors deceitful practices like camouflage and "playing dead," and even infants as young as 6 months will use false crying to get attention. Is it possible we're born to lie?
Dr. Feldman may be mildly long-winded, but he has so much interesting information to impart that it's rarely a problem. Instead, his conversational narrative style makes the bulk of The Liar in Your Life go down easily. Remarkably, audiobook reader Bob Walter adopts this style as his own so completely that it seems as if the author is reading it himself.
From self-deception to cognitive dissonance, from blind dates to job interviews, from résumé padding to online avatars, from Lou Pearlman to Bernie Madoff, lying is a part of our everyday life, even a part of being human. So maybe it's less important to be honest all the time than it is to be aware of the deception that surrounds us. That sounds like a more reasonable expectation, at least until something better comes along.
32 of 38 people found the following review helpful.
Very misleading
By Kimberly R. Mason
The title of this book is very misleading. It does give insight as to why people lie, however it does not give any insight as to how to build honest relationships. I would not recommend this book to anyone that is looking for guidance on how to overcome a liar in a relationship.
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Interesting and insightful audio...
By Rick Sheridan
Lies are much more common than we realize, and deception is an unfortunate part of everyday life, according to Robert Feldman. From mistruths by Presidents Nixon and Clinton, to false diplomas by the dean of admissions of M.I.T., to the lies from our local used car dealer. Feldman believes that the issue is not whether people lie to us, but how much and why, along with why we often believe them. Finally, he explores why we view certain lies as harmless, while rejecting others as manipulative and shameful. From [...]
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